


Say Something

by speakingofalice



Category: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - All Media Types
Genre: Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hope, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Original Character Death(s), Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-01
Updated: 2015-01-01
Packaged: 2018-03-04 20:03:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,459
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3087206
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/speakingofalice/pseuds/speakingofalice
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The pallbearers bring the casket down the aisle, Casey latches onto her hand tightly. April squares her shoulders and is about to sit back down for the service when movement catches her eye. Her chest tightens, relief passes through her. There, in the back of the church, enshrouded in the shadows and covered in clothing were her four turtles standing like pillars of strength.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Say Something

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this during a very difficult time in my life a little less than a year ago. This story has a very important place in my heart.
> 
> Warnings for mentions of suicide.

 

A tall man with red hair and an easy smile came up behind April as she cleaned an old set of oak stained watches to put on display in her store. The man went to grab for April's shoulders. Quickly, attesting to her skill and the training she had been doing under four mutant turtles, April sensed a hand coming her. She grabbed it when it got in range and jerked around smashing the guys face into the glass display case.

"Don't even thing about stealing from me creep! I'm not some defenseless, old - "

"April! April!" called the man with his face pressed into the glass. April stopped talking, recognizing the voice of her cousin and best friend.

"Bryan?"

"Hey Ape," he said sheepishly, his breath fogging the glass of the display case. With an embarrassed laugh, April let him go and helped to haul him up off her show case and right him to his feet.

"Bryan!" She practically yelled and launched herself into the man's arms. She latched on and squeezed. Bryan, his hair equally as red as April's and now getting smothered and messed up by her hand rubbing it, grabbed onto April to swing her around happily. April shrieked and laughed.

"It's been so long!" She said breathlessly when he put her down.

Bryan rubbed at his shoulder, "Yeah. And I see you've gotten a little stronger than when we were teenagers. I guess I shouldn't sneak up on you anymore."

April laughed again and rubbed her hands together. "Sorry about that Bry."

Casey came crashing down the steps from April's Apartment. "April!? What's wrong? Are those kids back? Are they tryin' ta rob us again? Why when I get my hands on you little punks I'm gonna - "

"Casey, everything's okay!" She yelled, grabbing his attention before he could race out of the little shop brandishing his bat and scaring the people on the street. "Everything's fine. This is Bryan," she motioned to the man who was smiling next to her. Casey put down his bat to eye the man skeptically. "My cousin," April finished. Casey broke into a smile and extended his hand.

"Casey Jones."

"Bryan O'Neil"

"Nice ta meet 'cha."

"Likewise. Nice bat."

"Thanks."

April turned back to Bryan. The man's smile faltered a little as he looked at her. "It's so good to see you Bry but, why are you here? New York's a long way from Cleveland."

"Yeah," he huffed out a humorless laugh. "I actually came here to tell you something. I didn't want to just email it to you like we've been doing."

"Okay," April leaned against the glass show case. There weren't any customers in her store  _The Second Time Around_  and for once she was grateful. Casey stood next to her, crossing his arms casually.

"Do you remember Cathryn? I introduced you to her a while ago?"

"Of course, you're girlfriend. You've sent me pictures."

Bryan laughed again, "Yeah." He took a deep breath, "She's pregnant."

"What? Bry, that's wonderful!" cried April tunneling in for a hug. She wrapped her arms around Bryan's frame and squeezed.

"Congratulations buddy," Casey nodded to Bryan when April let go of him.

He gave a small, uncertain smile and nodded a  _thanks_  back. April tilted her head to the side, "What's wrong, Bry?"

He shrugged, "I don't know Ape. I mean... Remember when we were in high school and we talked about all the stuff we'd do when we got out? Well I just, I don't know. Being an adult, it's just not... Not what I'd imagined, you know?"

"What do you mean?"

The man ran his hand through his hair, "I just mean... I don't know. I'm barely holding down my job as it is and I've still got a shit ton of bills to pay and student loans and now... Now Cath is pregnet. I don't know how I'm going to manage it, Ape."

April shook her head. "You're just scared about the baby and that's normal. It'll be okay." She smiled warmly at him. He nodded again and smiled but, it didn't reach his eyes. "And I'll always be here to help you," she finished.

**~o0o~**

The Lair was cool even though it was early August. A soft breeze blew through the large Lair making April's hair billow around her head and sweep slowly across her shoulders. It was one of the few times she hadn't wanted to tie it up in her usual bun then work pieces and strands down at her ears and curl then quickly to give her the look of messy-cute. She sat at the kitchen table with her legs folded crisscross in her chair. The chair was larger than a normal one, built to accommodate a large shell and not a skinny woman. It was comfortable though and for that April was happy. She slowly tested her piping hot tea that Leonardo had just made. It was peach - her favorite - and it wasn't too bad. She then grabbed for her slice of pizza from a paper plate. The greasy pepperoni tasted good as she took a large bite. The mixture of peach tea and hot pizza made her stomach feel warm.

Across from her Mikey lunged for that last slice of pizza from the box. Quickly, showing off more than actually needing to, Raph jumped from his seat to grab hold of Mikey's wrist. "Uh-ah Mike, you've had five already. That one's mine."

Mikey gaped at him, his eyes pleading. "Come on Raph, you've had as much as I've had! It's mine!"

Don reached from under Mikey to grab the slice, "Actually, it's mine."

Raph's other arm shot out to grab Don's wrist. "Don't even think about it Brainiac."

Beside her, Casey started to laugh, "Why don't you guys fight for it? Tha's what my family always did."

"They did?" asked April as she giggled. Casey turned to her looking sheepish. "Yeah, an my Ma always won too."

The three turtles continued their standstill refusing to look away from each other or to look down at the blessed last slice of pizza.

"We don't wanna hear about yer weird ass family, Case. Now tell these two Shell for Brains that this is  _mine_ ," growled Raph looking from Don to Mikey.

Mikey tilted his head slightly and smirked at the red turtle. "Do you really need that pizza, Raph? You're looking a little chubby already. Soon you're shells' not even gonna fit anymore. You're gonna have to molt or something and get a new one."

Both Casey and Don laughed at that one. April had to bite back her chuckle as she saw the scowl deepen on Raphael's face.

"Actually Mikey, because of our bio structure and because we were mutated we cannot 'molt'. However, turtles do molt. Not all at once but continuously, in small pieces. When turtles are kept in aquaria, small sheets of dead skin can be seen in the water -" A sharp look from everyone but April silenced Donatello. He let out a sharp breath and said, "The point is that I'm still hungry and this is mine."

Mikey and Raph started talking at the same time as Casey called out, "Fight! Grudge Match! Survivor gets the pizza!" But everyone ignored him. The three brothers kept yelling their arguments completely oblivious to the glint of metal that caught April's eye. From the head of the table Leonardo had silently unsheathed his sword and was extending it to the open box of pizza. April had to bite her tongue to stop from barking out a laugh.

With a quick flip of the wrist that only came from years of sword training, Leonardo slid the thin blade under the slice and extracted it out from under his brothers arguing voices. He swiftly brought it back, grabbed a hold of it then sheathed his sword. Looking up at April with a mischievous gleam in his eyes, Leo brought a finger to his mouth telling the woman to stay quiet. April had to snort into her tea cup to quiet her laugh.

"I ain't fat!" Raph yelled.

"Are too!" Mikey countered.

"Am not!"

"You two sound like children," Don added, looking far too smug.

"I'm older than you! You're the child!" Raph growled again.

"You don't know that for sure, Raphie. For all we know I could be the oldest!" Mike smiled gesturing to himself proudly.

"God help us all if you were the oldest," Don sighed

"... Uhh, guys?" said Casey finally noticing the missing pizza.

"Can it, Case. You don't get the slice," snarled Raph. Casey put his arms up in surrender.

"Hey, boys," April finally laughed. "Pizza's gone."

" _What!?_ " They all yelled looking down to see the empty pizza box. Mikey let out a girlish shriek looking over to Raph. "What have you done!?"

"I didn't do nuttin'!"

"Mmm," Leo said licking his fingers loudly. "That was a nice pizza, wasn't it guys?" A smile graced his lips as he grabbed a napkin to dry his six fingers.

Three unbelieving voices rang through the air all echoing different variations of his name.

"Leonardo!"

"Leo!"'

"Leonardo Eugene Hamato!"

"My middle name is not Eugene," Leo smiled at Mikey. Leo started to laugh again loudly taking a gulp from his own cup of peach tea. "Okay  _one_ ," he put one finger up, "I bought the box of pizza.  _Two_ ," two fingers up, "I made the run to pick it up." Now his whole hand was up, "And  _three_ , it's raining. I had to run through the rain to grab this. So I got the last piece." He ended, smiling.

The three turtles sat down heavily, in defeat. Mikey threw his hands out.

"Oh, the great Leo had to run in the rain! Woe is you." He huffed and crossing his arms.

"Would it make you feel any better if I told you I also picked up dessert?"

"Depends," said Mikey casually. "Whaddya got?"

"Double. Chocolate. Fudge. Ice. Cream." Leonardo said every word dramatically, pausing for effect. Before he could say anything else Mikey was up out of his seat and bounding to the freezer. "You're the best Leo!" He cheered when he sat back down juggling six spoons and bowls with the ice cream carton on his head. Don and Casey laughed when the carton fell off his cranium. Raph grabbed it from the air and muttered, "Shell for brains."

A loud, shrill sound beeped from across the table, in April's pocket.

"Who's phone is ringing?" questioned Don.

"Mine!" called April mimicking the sounds the turtles made when they all tried to lay claim to the last piece of pizza. She put down her spoon to dig her phone from her pocket.

"How the shell do you get signal down here?" asked Raph.

"Hey, you know, I am  _kind of_  smart, I used to be a  _scientist_ , remember? I think I know how to tinker with my phone until I get better signal." April stood up taking one last bite.

"You were a scientist?" Mikey asked in mock-shock as he leaned forward on the table and looked up at April with big, fake, awestruck eyes.

"I think you'd be a good news reporter," commented Raph, snickering.

"Yeah and wear the yellow jump suit and everything." Casey smoldered at her. "You'd look good babe."

"In your dreams Casey Jones."

" 'Countin' on it babe," he laughed.

April swatted his head hard before walking away to answer her phone.

"Hello?" She asked when she was out of ear shot of the guys.

"April?"

"Mom?"

"Sweetheart, where are you?" Her mother sounded tired.

"I'm with Casey," she started. Her heart beat faster. Something was wrong. "What's wrong, mom? Is everything okay?"

The phone was silent for a few seconds. Then her mother spoke, "Sweetie, you remember Bryan? You know, you used to play with him all the time when you were younger and you would go over to his house and he would come here and - "

Dread seeped into April's chest. "Yes mom, I know him. What happened? Is he alright?"

Her mother was silent until she sniffed loudly into the receiver of her phone. April's voice cracked and wavered. Her hands shook. "Mom?" she asked again desperately.

"They... They found him this morning, April."

April was confused. "Found him...? I didn't know he went missing. Mom? What-what's happened?"

April could hear her mother's sob through the cell phones' receiver. "They found him at his house. He... He killed himself."

The sound of a cell phone dropping and shattering on the floor echoed through the Lair silencing all conversation in the kitchen. April grabbed for her mouth to stop her scream. She heard running footsteps and voices calling her name but she refused to open her eyes. Her heart felt like a black hole had sucked it up. Bryan... She'd just seen him a few days ago. He had just gone back home to Cleveland and to his girlfriend who was...  _Oh god_... who he just told her was pregnant.

"No... No... No." April couldn't hold her sob. She couldn't feel anything other than her heart being ripped apart. Her breath was sucked away. She couldn't breathe.

_He's dead. He killed himself. He's dead. Dead._

"April!" Someone grabbed at her shoulders. She heard the sounds of metal scraping against metal as weapons were drawn from behind shells and at hips.

"What's wrong? What happened?" someone else got close to her face as she sobbed. She leaned into whoever it was smelling familiar aftershave. Casey.

"He's dead," April whispered.

"Who?" Someone off to the side asked frantically.

"B... Bry..."

"Bryan? The guy who was just here?"

April nodded, "He killed himself." She whispered again.

"Oh shell," a deep voice said softly.

**~o0o~**

That night, as April lay down in her bed Casey slid in next to her. He grabbed for her and pulled her close against him. April ran her fingers up and down Casey's bare chest. Casey softly rubbed her back in soothing circles. They were both silent. Nothing to say.

What was there to say?

Casey couldn't say, "He's in a better place." Because what was wrong with right here? What was wrong with this place? How is where he is now a better place than here, alive?

Casey couldn't say, "It'll be alright because this was God's plan."

_No_ , April concluded in her head.  _This wasn't God's plan. It wasn't. It couldn't have been._  She refuses to believe it.

Casey couldn't say that, "Everything will get better." Because it won't. It won't be okay.

April tucks her head further into Casey's chest.

Casey looks up at the ceiling wishing he knew the right words. April doesn't know what to do, what to say to Casey. She feels tears making tracks down her face.

She can't say, "I'm so mad at him!" Because really, how can she be mad at a dead man?

She can't say, "God, he was so fucking stupid!" Because again, she can't talk bad about a dead person. They aren't here to defend themselves. It doesn't matter how much she curses him and his name, he won't come back. Never. Ever.

Above all else she can't say, "It's okay." Because it's not. It's not okay, okay? It's not. How can it be okay? He killed himself. He did this to himself.

_He took his own life._

So no, it's not okay and it won't be okay.

People aren't made to die, April concludes. They're made to live. To persevere. To lead on, march on. They're supposed to challenge and question and conquer. This, this isn't supposed to happen. Mothers aren't supposed to bury sons and sisters aren't meant to live without brothers. He had a baby... Cathryn.

_Oh god…_

That night, April sobbed herself to sleep.

**~o0o~**

Mikey let himself in through the back window of April's apartment. April sat at the table, papers cluttered in front of her. Bryan didn't have a mother, she had skipped town back when her Uncle Auggie disappeared. He didn't have any brothers or sisters. There was just April and her mom. That's it. That was his family.

April sighed and looked up at Mike, her eyes were red-rimmed.

"What's all this?" asked Mike setting down a plate on the table.

"Funeral arrangements," she answered dryly. "Cathryn called and asked me to make them."

Mikey licked his lips nervously. Then he gestured to the plate. "I made some cheeseburgers and French fries from scratch. I mean, not from scratch like, I didn't butcher the cow or any... Uhh, that's not to say that - I did cut the potatoes and Leo helped with that a bit because he's so good with knives and Raph helped with the meat but I did most of the, uh, seasoning and cooking and-"

"It looks great, Mikey," April said softly as her stomach rolled. Nausea washed through her. She wasn't hungry. Hadn't been, actually, since Bryan... Since he...

Mikey placed the plate in front of her and smiled. She took hold of the burger and bit a small bite to please the turtle. There was technically nothing wrong with the burger but it tested like ashes in her mouth.

**~o0o~**

"Would you like him to be cremated?" The funeral director with his nice dress shirt tucked into his nicer dress pants and his hair combed back asked April.

April shuttered as she thought of Bryan's body being placed into whatever they used to cremate people. His flesh burning and turning to ashes. His eyes melting. His hair being set aflame and coming off. He wouldn't be a person anymore. Just dust. Just ashes. He wouldn't even be Bryan O'Neil anymore.

"Yes," April's mother says at the same time as April's "No" came out.

The two women look at each other for a long moment.

"What does Cathryn want?" questions the funeral director.

April's mother, Jan, turns to him. "She isn't doing so well. She's four months pregnant. She asked us to take care of everything."

"How very kind of you."

"We can cremate him," April says suddenly making up her mind. As much as she doesn't want to think about his body burning the thought of having to look at him pale and stuff and fake in an open casket makes her want to retch even more.

"Very well, this way please. We have a large variety of urns to choose from.

_Dammit Bryan. Now I have to pick out your fucking urn_! April screamed in her head, fighting back tears and cursing her dead best friend.

**~o0o~**

_Arms pumping, chest heaving, April runs down a hallway that never ends. It's so dark and the farther she goes the darker it gets. From the sides of the hallway questions from unseen people are being hurled at her._

_"Where is he?"_

_"Have you seen him?"_

_"Do you know where he went?"_

_Every questions feels like bullets are being shot into her chest._

_"Where has he gone?"_

_"I can't find him, can you?"_

_"What happened?"_

_April calls into the darkness, still running. "Bryan."_

_Nothing. The hallways stretched on._

_"Bryan!"_

_The darkness gets darker. It feels cold and empty. Like death._

_"BRYAN!" She screams as hard as she can._

April jerks herself away. She's crying and shaking. Casey grabs for her but she shoves him away. She grabs her pillow, still crying and maks for the door. She'll sleep on the couch tonight.

**~o0o~**

"Did he leave a note?" Don asks a few days later. It's the day before the funeral is scheduled. April is putting on mascara with a light hand knowing full well that all the makeup she was has on now will be cried off during the calling hours. April shook her head.

"No."

Don leaned against his bo staff in April's room as she moved on to her other eye. "Did he seem off the last time you talked to him?"

Anger filled April making her scowl and her eyes narrow.

How was she supposed to answer that?

If she says, "No, he seemed fine." then she just sounds like an ignorant asshole who doesn't pay attention to other peoples wellbeing, who only cares about herself. Who couldn't see that the man in front of her, her own flesh and blood was thinking about killing himself. She would sound self-centered. Ignorant.

_How could you not see? How could you not know_? The voice in her head accused.

And if she answers Don's query with something like, "Yeah, he seemed a bit off." Then that makes her guilty.

Guilty. Guilty. Guilty.

Because she did nothing.

April feels angry. She feels rotten.

She feels like melting. Like tearing her skin off, just peeling herself away like an orange to get to the meaty bits beneath to take a little look-see inside. She wants to know what's underneath her skin. What's inside of her. She wants to know how much of her body is rotten, festering away. She feels so rotten, so like death.

_He killed himself..._

April stands back from the mirror and closes her mascara tube.

"You can see yourself out," is all she says as she leaves.

**~o0o~**

"Do ya want us at the funeral?" Raph looks her deep in the eyes. She doesn't like it. She feels like Raph can see how rotten she is on the inside. April looks away from the red turtle.

She stands in front of Raph wishing that she could do nothing else but sink into the floor. Maybe if she focuses hard enough she could will the ground of her living room to swallow her whole. The floor could eat her brain and steal away her broken heart. The floor could hide her forever, shield her. It could make her impervious, immune from the constant hurt. Protect her from her demons and hide her from her nightmares of people asking where he's gone.  
 _  
"Where is he?" "Have you seen him?"_

No. She haven't seen him. He's dead.

But, the floor doesn't turn to quicksand and April doesn't sink in. Nothing like that happens. The floor stays solid under your feet, under your breaking, bending world. It stays still as death. As still as he will always be because he's dead.

_He's dead._

"No," April says. "I don't want you guys there."

She's scared. Bryan killed himself. Anyone else could kill themselves. Bryan died, left Cathryn and their baby alone. Raph, Mike, Leo, Don... They could all die and leave her alone.

She turns to go back into her room not wanting Raph to look at her anymore. She closes the door in the turtle's face.

**~o0o~**

On the day of the service April is standing in a line with Cathryn and Jan on either side of her. Her mother's eyes are swollen and red. Cathryn's dress billows out over her baby bump. People start to come in. There's so many people that April want to cry more. They all say the same things.

"I'm so sorry for your loss."

April nods, thanking them. She knows they're sorry. Everyone's sorry.

"Are you okay?"

She answers with a tentative  _yes_  but really she's not. She's not okay.

"It's such a shame."

Yeah. It is.

Near the time when the service is set to start April, Casey holding her hand, walks to take her seat in the front of the church. In the one pew that is marked  _reserved for family_.

"Two hundred and thirty seven people are here," she hears the funeral director tell Jan as the preacher takes his place at the front of one of the biggest churches in New York City.

April turns around to watch as Bryan's casket is brought around the corner at the mouth of the church. She's glad that she chose to have him cremated after the funeral instead of before.

The pallbearers bring the casket down the aisle, Casey latches onto her hand tightly. April squares her shoulders and is about to sit back down for the service when movement catches her eye. Her chest tightens, relief passes through her. There, in the back of the church, enshrouded in the shadows and covered in clothing were her four turtles standing like pillars of strength. All at once they nod to her and she sits down.

Tears well in her eyes as she thinks about when she told Raphael that she didn't want them at the funeral. She'd lied. She did want them there. She could feel their strength from where as sat.

"The guys are here," Casey whispers in her ear. April moves her head up and down.

The preacher begins speaking. He starts out with the 23rd Psalms.

The LORD  _is_  my shepherd; I shall not want.

He maketh me to lie down in green pastures:

he leadeth me beside the still waters.

He restoreth my soul:

he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,

I will fear no evil: for thou  _art_  with me;

thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.

Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies:

thou anointest my head with oil;

my cup runneth over.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life:

and I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever.

**~o0o~**

When the service is over and all two hundred plus people are getting into their cars to go to the cemetery to bury Bryan, Jan decides to go to April's apartment to start heating up and preparing food for everyone. Jan is shocked when she walks into her daughters' apartment to see plates and bowls and Tupperware containers of food lining the tables and sitting on the every even surface of the small apartment. Everything is covered and still hot. There are drinks in cans and mason jars and a large bowl of punch near the sink. On the refrigerator is a note on orange paper. Jan picks it up gingerly to read it.

_Least we could do – L/R/D/M_

**~o0o~**

That night, when all of the dishes are washed and put away and everyone has said their goodbyes, April takes a bag of trash out to the dumpster. She flings the trash bag over her shoulder harder than necessary and stops. Placing both hands on the dumpster she looks up at the starry night sky and takes a deep breath.

"It was a really nice service," says a calm, soft voice. It is a testament to how exhausted April is that she doesn't even jump in surprise. She looks down the alley. The moonlight is just bright enough to show a figure's outline. He is sitting against the wall. April walks towards him already recognizing the voice. She sits down lightly next to the blue turtle.

Leonardo doesn't move to touch her or say anything. They sit in silence for the longest time looking up at the dark sky. It isn't until April honestly cannot handle the silence anymore that she speaks.

"I don't know what to do, Leo." The turtle looks at her. She swallows, refusing to wipe her eyes as more tears damped her cheeks. "I just don't want... I can't... How?" She finally asks. "How could he? Why didn't he think..."

Leonardo says nothing. There was nothing to say. No right words. No magic cures for this and he knows it. His mouth stays closed as he breathes in deeply, silently. His head leans back against the side of the dank alley. April's body shakes. Quiet sobs make her small frame tremble. With a slow hand, Leonardo places his hand on top of hers, engulfing her fingers and squeezing, just once.

He still says nothing. There was nothing to say. And April sobbed. There was nothing else she could do.

"Why?" She asked. When there was no answer she asked again, her voice cracking, shattering. "Why, Leo? Why?"

With her free hand she curled it into a fist and slammed it down on the cement. Once. Twice. Three times. Leo finally grabs her with his other hand softly but firmly. He was now kneeling in front of her while she sat with her knees to her chest.

"Why? He had a girlfriend, a baby. He had me! Why?" Silence. The wind blew a paper bag into the adjacent cement wall. In the distance sirens rang through the air, blaring loudly. April ripped her hands from Leo's grasp. He stayed quiet; his eyes were sad as she sat forward and screamed in his face.

"Answer me, dammit!"

Now she was angry. Leonardo wasn't speaking. He wasn't asking the questions that everyone had been asking her all week.

"How did it happen?"

"How did he kill himself?"

"Did he seem different the last time you saw him?"

"Do you need anything?"

And he wasn't lying to her, telling her everything was going to be okay.

"It'll be okay."

"This was Gods plan."

"He's in a better place."

Without realizing it April balled her fist and threw it forward so blinded by anger she hadn't realized she'd done it. Her fist pounded into the blue turtle's plastron hard, surprising her. Leo didn't try to stop her as her other fist made contact. She struck again and again until her knuckles hurt and her wrists ached. Fresh tears rolled down her face and she screamed in his face again.

She was so angry, so hurt. She wanted to hurt something,  _someone_. She wanted them to feel what she felt. Her black heart burned.

It wasn't until she went to punch again, aiming higher that the turtle finally seized her fists and pulled her into him. She screamed and punched out but no matter how hard she tried Leonardo wouldn't let her go.

"Let it out," whispers Leo in her ear as she screamed into his neck and shoulder as hard as she could.

After a few minutes she finally, finally stops struggling and just let herself be held.

"Why do people kill themselves?" She mumbles into Leo's chest.

Leo slowly entangles himself from her and gently sets her back against the wall. He slides over until they're beside each other again looking up that the night sky.

"I don't know."

April is silently. Leo is patient. The wind sweeps through the alley.

"I'm sorry for hitting you," April rolls her head to look at Leo.

The turtle smiles. "It's alright. I practice with Raph and I've been punched into walls. You're punches kinda felt like a massage." He chuckles. April smirks at him for real.

"Mikey made a lot of food for the reception after the funeral."

"Yeah, I know." Leo says. "I may or may not have burned my fingers helping get the third casserole out of the oven." He hold up his bandaged hand to show April. April doesn't know why but for some reason her exhausted mind thinks that's the funniest thing. She starts to chuckle more," How did that happen?"

"I may or may not have forgotten to put a glove on before reaching in to get the casserole."

A barking laugh breaks from April's mouth so fast it surprises her. "You mean you just thought-" she's interrupted as more laughter rolls through her. "You were just like 'hey, the timer just went off but I'm sure I can grab it fast enough that it won't burn me even though it's been in four-hundred degree heat for forty-five minutes!"

Leo shakes his head, laughing at himself. "Yeah, something like that."

It takes a few minutes for April to finish laughing but when she's does she's even more exhausted than before. She leans over until her head is on Leo's shoulder.

"Do you think people who commit suicide go to heaven?" She finally asks the question that's been on her mind for a week.

Leo nods slowly, "Yes. I do."

"Me too."

"April?" Leo whispers. April looks up at him. "Right now it hurts but it will get better. I'm not saying that everything will be okay but it'll get better. You're not alone. My brothers and Casey will always be here for you."

April nods before moving up to lightly kiss his cheek. "Thank you," she says.

"Anything you need, I won't be far away." Leo smiles helping her to her feet.

April takes a deep breath before turning away to walk back inside. Once she's inside she walks through the dark apartment until she reaches her room. Casey is asleep on his side of the bed. Silently, she slips in next to him and nestles in close. Then she kisses him lightly.

"Love you April," Casey mumbles. April smiles and closes her eyes.

* * *

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> On January 16th, 2014 my cousin committed suicide. Rest in peace Kyle.
> 
> Suicide Hotline: 1-800-273-8255


End file.
